A Journey

I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I cannot remember a time I wasn't "chunky" "fluffy" "healthy" or any other term to describe being overweight. If I had a nickel for every time I was told I had such a pretty face and a great personality it was just too damn bad about the rest of my body, I'd be rich. Seriously. Rich. 

Thankfully, I found a man who loved the whole of me: my pretty face, my personality, AND my body. We've been married for almost 11 years and have three beautiful children but still I struggle with my weight. Constantly. Endlessly. The difference now is that I'm not striving toward a body to match my face, I just want to be healthy for my family.

Until recently, I'd been lucky not to have my extra pounds adversely effect my health which is not the case anymore (can I get health scare for 500 please?) and it's time I do something about it. So I'm in the process of getting Bariatric surgery. I've gone to the orientations, the classes, the nutrition courses, talked to a surgeon and now I have to lose 20 lbs and have a psych evaluation before I'm put on the surgical waiting list.

This was a hard decision to make and I had to really come to terms with the idea of "cheating" of taking the easy way out. What am I a quitter? Some kind of wuss? That's not really how it is. Not really. I still have to do all the work. It's only a tool to help me get to where I need to be not a free ticket or a get out of fat free card. I've gone to a couple support groups of people who have had the surgery and there were those that had lost the weight and then gained it all back and had to start over. 

I've lost 5lbs already by eating like I'll have to after the surgery. Eating my protein first, then veggies, then fruit, and if I'm still hungry the pastas, potatoes, and breads. By the time I'm done with the first three I don't have any of the last because I'm full. I guess I'm basically low-carbing it. 

Why would I still do the surgery if I can do it on my own? I need the accountability. If I screw up and eat wrong after the surgery there will be consequences. I can lose the weight. I've shown time and time again I can lose the weight. I've lost 130lbs once but it's the keeping it off I struggle with. I need the accountability. I need the consequences.

So this is my journey to gain freedom from food. It will be so liberating to not beat myself up or bargain with myself to eat what I can no longer have comfortably.