Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Horrible Movie Monday - Double Trouble

Muscle bound twins try to smash a jewel smuggling ring.

*snort* Need I say more? No, you say? Oh but yes, I do! Except for I don't even know where to begin.

Let's start with who was in it I guess. Peter and David Paul (the Barbarian Twins), Roddy McDowall (Nunan's favorite pitcher for the LA Dodgers back in the 90's *snicker*), a bunch of nobodies I've never heard of, and a cameo from David Carradine. Best part: the Barbarian Twins used their own first names for the movie -- I guess it was too taxing to remember their character names and their lines!

The costumes were a definite favorite of mine. The clothes for the cop, David Paul, was my absolute favorite (He's the one wearing the too tight, mid-drift baring sweatshirt and high-waist jeans). At one point in the movie the fashionable suit wearing Peter makes David wear a suit to go to a fancy french restaurant (implying Peter is fluent in french) to stake out the big bad guy of the jewel smuggling ring, Roddy McDowall (ridiculous, right?), and David whines about wearing a suit the whole time and walks like he's wearing a "safe suit" (you know the padded suits you wear while training attack dogs).

(if you care - be warned there are spoilers)

So basically the plot is this: Peter, a jewel thief, breaks into Roddy McDowall's diamond company (where he launders money) and steals a bunch of diamonds and a metal card (about the size of a credit card). While spray painting a cat face on the wall, he calls the police to report a burglary, and don't you know his brother, David, shows up (wearing his awesome outfit) and his partner (dressed up like a hooker -- pretty sure it was her "look" and not cuz she was undercover).

The brothers meet up on the roof (the partner isn't there because the elevator was out and she didn't want to climb the stairs. awesome right?) and jokester Peter starts messing with oh-so-serious-all-the-time David and then gets away after David wings him in the arm AFTER emptying an entire gun clip. I swear no one could hit ANYTHING in the entire movie unless it was point blank and sometimes not even then. David's partner gets killed (point blank shot to the head) because after their "trying night" she sends David off to workout, which he does and yes we get to watch it, while she goes to a construction site at night (dressed like a hooker with platform heels) to meet up with some guy she'd busted who has information about someone and something and yes David KNEW she was going and still went off to bench press weights.

Roddy starts ordering people killed and to find the burglar who stole his metal card deal which was conveniently caught on the security camera Peter mugged for. David finally catches Peter at another jewelry crime scene and throws him in jail. Peter makes a deal to help the police catch Roddy (cuz don't you know they can't pin anything on him but they know it's him) and they make him David's partner. Peter tries to escape a lot. David is bitter that he has to watch Peter when he wants to catch his partners killer. It ends up being Roddy (shocker, right?) and then they catch and kill Roddy in the end.

David Carradine's cameo was a crime. Guess that's why he was locked in jail. *snicker* I crack myself up. He was Peter's mentor and knew what the metal card was (a safe key) and to which safe (a major diamond exchange depository), and said it would take a construction crew all night to break through that if someone got stuck inside it which connected all the dots for Peter as to what was going on. I swear Peter did more cop work than David did.

Best parts of the movie:
The continuity:
The brothers get in a fight and roll down a flight of stairs. While rolling down the stairs David is suddenly wearing a gray shirt tucked into his too-tight pants that he wasn't wearing before or after that scene.
Same fight. They start punching the hell out of each other but there is no blood or damage and later David gets hit with the butt of a gun ONCE and he's bleeding from his nose and mouth (I kid you not the brothers were wailing on each other way worse than the hit with the gun).
Later on in another fight, the brothers (not fighting each other for once but the bad guys) are fighting on a construction site and they are rolling around in the dirt - when the fight is over and they leave the scene victorious they are impeccably clean.


The one-liners:
The brothers are driving in David's crappy beat up jalopy of a car and Peter hollers out in mock terror, "The G forces are killing me!"
While they're both dressed in suits David goes into a private health club, security tells him its a members only club, David flashes his badge and the security guard lets him through. Peter goes in, walks up to the security guard, and says, "Excuse me, did I just come through here?" The guard nods and Peter walks right in. As they're leaving, David walks through first and out the door past security then Peter walks past and stops and asks, "Excuse me, which way did I go?" And the security guard points to the exit.

Double Trouble was straight up horrible movie cheese and we loved to loathe every minute of it. The husband and I cheered and booed, laughed and cried (the movie was painful after all), and were relieved when it was over. It will go down as another memorable movie in our Monday night tradition. Thank you Barbarian Twins for being so horribly awesome.

No comments: